Jumpin Jebus, tis the weekend…

Hey folks,

It’s that time of the week again when I get to pit my wits against your Lawrensons, your Grays, your eh… random betting slip monkeys. Wait a minute, I’m a random betting slip monkey… anyway, before this identity crisis goes any further we’ll move on. Over at the BBC, Lawro’s gone for a whole heap of one-all draws so I’ll try and keep myself away from that malarkey. Watch out for the cartoons by the way.

Saturday

Arsenal v Sunderland: I sat through a shockingly bad 90 minutes between these two earlier on in the season before Sunderland took a one-nil lead, only for Cesc Fabregas of all people to grab an equaliser with a header from a corner. This time around, and with Sunderland possibly taking the foot off the pedal with safety nearly secure (four more wins in the next 13 games and they’re good to go for 09/10), I can see Arsenal taking this one handily enough. 3-1.

Aston Villa v Chelsea: Martin O’Neill is, according to most British papers, some cross between Jesus, Matt Busby and Barack Obama, such is the publicity machine that has attached itself to the former Norn Iron international of late. He’s done brilliantly with Villa this season but as the league draws towards its close they have to hang on to a Champions League place and not go the way of Martin Jol’s Spurs a few years back, by choking (or indeed in Spurs’ case, shitting themselves and vomiting heavily after some dodgy lasagne) at the final moment. I think they might get beaten here with Chelsea in good humour following the arrival of Hiddink and their pampered prats in the dressing room desperate to play in the Champions League midweek. 1-2.

Bolton v West Ham: Liquid football galore eh? Hmmm… I’ll say away win, 0-2.

Man Utd v Blackburn: And the beat goes on. There won’t be a betting slip in the country with a Blackburn win down for this one, maybe seven people in total will go for a draw, but everyone else is well aware this will finish 2-0 or worse for Fat Sam's men.

Middlesbrough v Wigan: It’s pretty hard to predict results when you absolutely don’t care what happens. Let’s watch some cartoons instead eh. Anyway, there should be a goal or two here and both are not actually that bad to watch but only one is in dire need of points so with this in mind, and with Antonio Valencia no doubt whiling away his hours in his replica Madrid shirt thinking of next season, I’ll go for Boro to get a win at last. 2-1.

Stoke v Portsmouth: Remember what I said about predicting scores for games you don’t care about… here’s some Blackadder. Oh and eh… 1-1.

Sunday

Fulham v West Brom: Lesson in life – if someone sounds like a crafty cockney they may well be a crafty cockney. Unfortunately northern monkey Phil Brown didn’t realise this and bought £5 million in dodgy goods (or Jimmy Bullard as he was christened) from Roy Hodgson a few weeks back. After a poor performance at Old Trafford I’d say Fulham will be back to their tight as a duck’s arse defensive ways this week and grab a win here. 1-0.

Liverpool v Man City: Can’t see anything but a home win here considering City’s defensive record and Torres inching his way to full fitness. The only chance for the away side I can see is if Pool do their ‘go one nil up then jump in the nearest shell you can find’ trick before conceding a late equaliser. The way City’s defence are playing at the moment though it’s hard to think they’ll only give away one goal. 3-1.

Newcastle v Everton: F**kin ‘ell Joe Kinnear is getting out of ‘ospital. Perhaps there’ll be an inspirational talk from the great man while he leans on his walking stick and with Everton wallowing in their crapulence of late I can see them coming unstuck here actually. 2-1.

Monday

Hull v Tottenham: What with ‘Arry complaining about the whole ‘playing games’ element of the football calendar, the one competition he doesn’t show contempt to at the moment is the Premier League. Which is why he’d better feckin win here. He should do though, 0-1.

Have a good one, JJ

PS: If it’s a really slow day in work, here’s some Thundercats.