Friday, 13 July 2007

Lists Glorious Lists

Heya folks, JJ here,

At the moment The Times seems to be going 'list crazy'. After there 50 best players in the world; there’s now the 50 top football transfers (Cantona to United is number 1, Michael Chopra to Sunderland number 50) and even the top five goals from Leo Messi. World Soccer have even got in on the act with their ‘Greatest’ issue where they go through the top 20 goals, games, teams and football pictures of all time. All in the name of filling that newsless gap called summer.

In solidarity with them – and inspired by a rain soaked and cold July Dublin day – I present to you my own laboured-over list. This took me hours and hours of course but I present to you… the eh…. the Top 10 eh…

Feck it, the…

Top 10 People/Things/Teams/News Stories That I Wish to Avoid Seeing or Hearing About in the Coming Season…

10. Tony Cascarino
What an absolute tool. He has a great autobiography though that’s because mush of it is complete lies. Lanky, awkward, awful and disgustingly effective at times when he played, he possessed no skill as a player and yet is omnipotent when it comes to football punditry. Exit stage left Cas.

9. Alan Shearer
Uninteresting, no charm, nothing to say and plenty of time to say it. Were I paying a license fee in England I would go to court to try and prove the BBC were defrauding me by employing this gimp.

8. Kia Joorabchian
Interpol are after the Iranian gangster apparently. I never want to hear his name again.

7. Sheffield United
They most likely deserve their day in court but after 38 games of crap last year they don’t deserve another season in the Premiership.

6. Kevin Nolan for England
He’s just not that good: In fact his legacy will most likely benefit from not getting the chance to play as badly as everyone else does in that shirt.

5. Michael Owen injury news
Here’s hoping he can stay fit and do well for Newcastle. The cries of ‘what a waste of talent’ directed towards him at Anfield last year were disappointing. Hopefully, he proves them wrong.

4. Avram Grant/Frank Arnesen/Peter Kenyon
Insert any of these names with the words “rift” and “Joe Mourinho” and the tabloids are on easy street again with another made up story of Chelsea collapsing. I. Don’t Care.

3. The Ronaldo argument
Is he the best player in the world? Is he a brat? Is he a choker? How much gel is there on that slick head of his? Please lord don’t let all this crap dominate RTE’s Champions League coverage like last year.

2. Andy Gray
He calls Steven Gerrard “Stevie G”; he uses the words “bread and butter” every three minutes; he’s incredibly arrogant in regards to the Premiership’s ‘superiority’ in Europe without giving any decent credit to foreign players or managers. Need I go on? An absolute prat.

1. International breaks
We wait for months to get real football back and then it all stops so that the ‘Gerrard or Lampard’ argument can start again; along with Steve Staunton boring the arse off the lot of us; Wales bothering to play; and every manager under the sun telling us “there’ no easy games at this level”. It’s not so much the football as the crap that goes along with it.

Your thoughts?
Also, we have new 'Hate Section' articles up on Thierry Henry and Gerard Houllier. Go to and check them out. More articles to follow next week.


tyduffy said...

Agreed on all of them... particularly about the International breaks. It is all a sham to make money for the FAs and let the international managers pretend that they actually have a full-time job.

My "if I were emperor of football" solution would be to scrap all international matches during the season and play all the qualifiers in June and/or August.

My real world solution would be to try to ameliorate the situation somewhat and scrap the mid-season international friendlies.

Mark said...

I broadly agree, though I don't have much sympathy for Mickey Owen.

An additional one - video evidence, it's such a tedious subject, but there's no escaping it (especially with new hawkeye technology this year)


Agree with the international matches, stage them all together, it has many advantages i.e. squads get to know each other, tactics, style of play, etc and, if in August, would get them fit for the new season