Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Who's Da Man For Chelsea?

Avram Grant is rumoured to be a caretaker manager at Chelsea, and his qualifications & experience suggest he won't be there long. So, short of a thrilling fightback for the League or CL, he's doomed, but who will replace him?

Unfortunately, Steve Wigley has ruled himself out, so we'll have to content ourselves with the following:

Marco Van Basten - the legendary striker turned gay-icon manager of the Netherlands in 2004. He achieved a second-round knock out to Portugal in that ill-tempered game, and attracted a lot of stick for playing Kuyt instead of van Nistelrooy. Is sure to fancy Kalou at Chelsea, the Ivorian having tried to gain Dutch citizenship for the last World Cup. Despite his attacking roots, he has shown more pragmatism in his tactics so far, but was seen at the United Chelsea match last Sunday which makes him a favourite.

Jurgen Klinsmann - the ex-Germany manager has declared himself available to work again after his successful semi-final appearance last year. Rumours that his success was more down to the current manager (then assistant) Joachim Low have not been confirmed. Tactics place emphasis on high-tempo attack, seems suited to the English game. Joe & Ashley Cole will benefit from Kilinsi's knowledge of diving.

Didier Deschamps - the ex-Chelsea and France Water-Carrier has enjoyed successful spells with Monaco (CL Final appearance) and Juventus, before leaving citing interference from the board. Hard to see it working out at Chelsea then....

Graeme Souness - the ex-Liverpool, Blackburn & Newcastle manager is not the man to turn things around at Chelsea, or indeed, any other club. The likelihood of a Bellamy move to the Bridge would also decrease significantly, although a future Ali Dia move may be on the cards. The current Ali Dia, Shevchenko, is worried. Guaranteed to make Lampard cry in training with a trademark tackle.

George Graham - like the others, currently unemployed, but his brand of football would certainly be a step up from Mourinho. He negotiation skills in transfers should keep Zahavi (and stationary shops) in business for a while.

Ruud Gullit - a return to the Bridge for the man harshly sacked by Ken Bates? The 'sexy football' would suit Roman and the man has won a trophy there already - the FA Cup in 97

Gianluca Vialla - another ex-Chelsea man who won the League Cup and Cup Winner's Cup in 1998, the FA Cup in 2000. When not writing football books with journalists from the Times, he enjoyed doing a mediocre job with Watford and polishing his head.

John Terry - the man who wanted a nine year contract, with guarantees of him being the highest paid player at the club, and the chance to manage the club on retirement is the outside bet. Rumours of a bust up with Mourinho make him the Brutus to Jose's Caesar, but it will end badly for all....



JJ said...

You and your text speak. I think Terry will make a quality manager. I mean look at the attributes...

- Integrity (getting a handjob from a 17 year-old skank in his bentley before a game);

- Leadership (captained England to their worst run of results in 20 years);

- Calm response to emergencies ("gimme that red card");

- And of course, a knowledge of how to stroke the egos of your major stars ("eh... well if I was THAT way I'd fancy Lampsy")

Plus, he could do that old training ground routine of Big Ron’s... five-a-side, blacks against the whites! Nice. Give him the job now!

Mark said...

you could add

litigious - willingness to threaten legal action a la big sam, harry, etc

a shouter - it worked for stuart pearce, didn't it?

can *handle* situations well - witness him as the sweeper/goalie!

Anonymous said...

Leave Ron alone he's the nicest racist ever to appear on "the panel" (bunch of smug c**ts especially that Ed Byrne with the mangled voice).I hope someone hires Souness soon if only to keep the smug git off the RTE Prem/C league panels. His best contribution is being dubbed by the apres match lads during the world cup (look up apres match RTE in you tube). Sorry somehow this turned into an anti-smug rant, must see Keano about organising some wristbands.......

Anonymous said...

Not sure about Van Basten bringing this much anticipated attractive Chelsea football as witnessed in the! Carling cup.Hasn't he been credited with ruining "total football" in Holland as a manager? Fine player though and it's only Chelsea so who gives a toss!

Mark said...

yea, van basten is a bit defensive. i think george graham used to be a striker too. funny how it goes....

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